I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
