I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm bleeding and have questions
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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