I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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