I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
