I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
