I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
