so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
