my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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