Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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