I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
