I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
