Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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