is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
