I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
