I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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