oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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