atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
not ubering you a puppy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
