Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got inside last night via doggy door
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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