i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
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she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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