I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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