Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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