wanna go halves on a baby?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
And then he peed in my hair
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