i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
