last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
