if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
