Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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