You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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