Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
