you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
