In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
