my phone needs a breathalizer
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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