Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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