I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
