I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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