when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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