dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
