God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
