We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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