that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
