does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
