My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
