Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
