he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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