Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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