I can text with my tongue
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
