it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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