my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
