it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
