Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
