Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
