Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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