I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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