Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
