He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So here I am, sexting at work.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
