I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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