im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
