I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
