If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
