I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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