if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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