i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There's always time for handjobs
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
