She is in my trunk
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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