Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
