WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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