They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
