She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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