Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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