I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
