Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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