Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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